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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期二 三月 22, 2005 1:29 pm    文章主題: JOKES 引言回覆

Did you hear the one about the two catholic priests in the shower after the daily exercise,,,,,,

the one priest notices that the other priest has a patch on the tip of his member.... he asks if the patch really works...?

The other priest replies... yes it works great... I am down to two butts a day now!! Shocked
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期二 三月 22, 2005 1:31 pm    文章主題: the story behind golf 引言回覆

In 1923, Who Was

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?


These men
were considered
some of the worlds most successful
of their days.


Now,
80 years later,
the history book asks us,
if we know
what ultimately became of them.


The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president
of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide.


However,
in that same year,
1923,
the PGA Champion
and
winner of a
major golf tournament ,
the US Open,
was
Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?


He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work.
Play golf.
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R45
English Corner版主


註冊時間: 2004-02-25
文章: 1794
來自: my mother

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 12:16 pm    文章主題: r45 引言回覆

secrets to a happy marriage

1 find a woman that cooks and cleans. Wink

2 find a woman that makes good money. Wink

3 find a woman that likes to fcuk. Wink

4 but most important make sure the three Shocked














never meet Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes

this joke will selfdistruct in 5 days Wink
_________________
R45 ~ down hill Boxer terrorist!
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 1:58 pm    文章主題: Alaska Party 引言回覆

Tom had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He
quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible. Sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month,
otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come...About
5:00..."

"Great," says Tom , "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some
drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the
best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops, "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin' too."

Tom says, "Don't worry about that, I can look after myself - I'll be just
fine."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the
two of us."
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 2:00 pm    文章主題: Rules for Men 引言回覆

THE RULES -- THIS TIME BY MEN!!!!!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

>>> >

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

>>> >

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

>>> >

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

>>> >

1. Crying is blackmail.

>>> >

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

>>> >

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

>>> >

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

>>> >

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

>>> >

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

>>> >

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

>>> >

1. Check your oil! Please.

>>> >

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

>>> >

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys

>>> >

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

>>> >

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

>>> >

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

>>> >

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

>>> >

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

>>> >

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

>>> >

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

>>> >

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

>>> >

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

>>> >

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

>>> >

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

>>> >

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

>>> >

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

>>> >

1. You have enough clothes.

>>> >

1. You have too many shoes.

>>> >

1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

>>> >

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

>>> >

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 2:01 pm    文章主題: Nursery Rhymes 引言回覆

Mary had a little skirt
> > >with splits right up the sides
> > >and every time that Mary walked
> > >the boys could see her thighs.
> > >Mary had another skirt
> > >twas split right up the front
> > >but she didn't wear that one very often
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Mary had a little lamb
> > >Her father shot it dead.
> > >now it goes to school with her
> > >between two chunks of bread.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
> > >Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there?
> > >Said the Pieman unto Simon,
> > >Pies, you twat.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
> > >All the kings horses and all the kings men,
> > >said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
> > >Kissed the girls and made them cry.
> > >When the boys came out to play,
> > >He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Jack and Jill
> > >Went up the hill
> > >to have a little fun.
> > >Stupid Jill forgot her pill
> > >And now they have a son.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Old Mother Hubbard
> > >Went to the cupboard
> > >to fetch her poor dog a bone.
> > >When she bent over
> > >Rover took over,
> > >And gave her a bone of his own.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >Little Boy Blew.
> > >Hey. He needed the money.
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 2:02 pm    文章主題: Facts of Life 引言回覆

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag. (I rode mine to work today)

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe.

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 2:05 pm    文章主題: The Irish 引言回覆

Love Making Techniques
There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:

The Italian says, 'When I have a-finished makina
lovewith my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle
theback of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da
bed in ecstasy'.

The Frenchman replies, 'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave
finishedmaking ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all
ze way down herbody and zen Ah lick ze soles of her
feet wiz mah tongue and shefloats 12 inches above ze
bed in pure ecstasy'.

The Irishman says, 'Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished
shaggin'me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to
d'window and wipe meknob on the curtain.

She hits the fockin' roof.'
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 2:06 pm    文章主題: The English 引言回覆

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular
looking
blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of
the
trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable
sound
of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his
cheek.

1. The blonde thought -
"That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have
put
his hands on the fat lady, who in
turn must have slapped his face.
2. The fat lady thought -
"That dirty Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
3. The Frenchman thought -
"That Englishman put his hands on that blonde and by mistake she slapped
me".
4. The Englishman thought -
"I hope there's another tunnel
soon so I can slap that French twat again".
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 2:07 pm    文章主題: Girl's English 引言回覆

Girls' English
>
>Yes = No
>
>No = Yes
>
>May-b = No
>
>"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
>
>" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!
>
>We need to talk" = I need to bitch.
>
>"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.
>
>" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!
>
>" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.
>
>"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.
>
>" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.
>
>" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!
>
>Guy's English
>
>" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
>
>" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
>
>" I'm tired " - I'm tired
>
>" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with
>you.
>
>" Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
>
>" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
>
>" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.
>
>"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.
>
>" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.
>
>" What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted pshychological trauma
>are you going through now?
>
>" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
>
>"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
>
>" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.
>
>" I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!
>
>" Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person
>and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!
>
>" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegel 4 you to have sex with
>other guys.
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 2:08 pm    文章主題: Great Beer Quotes 引言回覆

I feel sorry for people who don't
drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is
that when they aren't drunk,
they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes
forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said
you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway


You're not drunk if you can lie on
the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin


Drunk is feeling sophisticated
when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything
as bad as drunkenness - or as good
as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton


Time is never wasted when you're
wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella


Abstainer: a weak person who
yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce


Reality is an illusion that occurs
due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful
excuse to pursue the one activity
that truly gives me pleasure,
hooking up with fat hairy girls.

-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I
didn't even have the decency to
thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen
the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the
beer holder. --Anonymous


If God had intended us to drink
beer, He would have given us
stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking
classes. --Oscar Wilde


When I read about the evils of
drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a
waste of life, so get wasted all
of the time and have the time of
your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front
of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a
case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright


When we drink, we get drunk. When
we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no
sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's
all get drunk, and go to heaven...
- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless
you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a
football team, or some nuclear
weapons, but at the very least you
need a beer.
--Frank Zappa


Always remember that I have taken
more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented
beer. --Plato


Beer is proof that God loves us
and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin


If you ever reach total
enlightenment while drinking beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your
nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest
invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as
well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that>
everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton


Give me a woman who loves beer and
I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room
for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without
chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be
no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.


I drink to make other people
interesting.
-George Jean Nathan


All right, brain, I don't like you
and you don't like me -
so let's just do this and I'll get
back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson


The only time I've got a drinking problem
is when I can't get one.

--Kelly White
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 2:13 pm    文章主題: Wife 引言回覆

A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and
says,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a
couple of
minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife
appears out
of nowhere
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 2:15 pm    文章主題: Woman's Emotional Needs 引言回覆

I never have quite understood why the sexual urges of men and women
differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And, I never have figured out why men think with their head(sometimes
little
head) and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how
the
sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears
the words
"I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion
starts to heat up and I get frisky, but she eventually says, "I don't
really
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?"

So she says the words that I, and every husband on the planet, dread.
She
explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went
to
sleep.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She
couldn't
decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which
I say
OK.

Then we go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond
earrings.
Let me tell you, she was SO excited.

She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I
don't
think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis
bracelet because she doesn't even play the damned game. I think I threw
her for
a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited
from all
of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to
go,
let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't
feel like
buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face...it went
completely
blank. Then I said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff
for a
while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!!!!?BR>


I reckon that I should be having sex again sometime during Spring 2006,
if
I lucky!
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Bradford (R69S)
兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-06-15
文章: 639
來自: USA/TW/TH

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 5:01 pm    文章主題: Barbara Walters Interview - The American Indian 引言回覆

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the head dresses.

So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress and
his reply was: Only have one woman, one woman, one feather.

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave, This brave had two feathers in his headdress, and he replied: Me have two women,two women, two feathers.

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved,she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers which needless to say amused MS Walters.

She asked the Chief, " Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: Me Chief,me sleep with em all.Big;, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all,

Horrified,Ms. Walters stated,"Y ou ought to be hung." The

Chief said: ":You damn right,me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms, Walters cried," You don't have to be so hostile.

" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf style, any style...me sleep with em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear .

" The Chief said "No deer. Ass too high;,run too fast.
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兩輪學院高中生


註冊時間: 2004-05-13
文章: 628
來自: Planet Earth (mostly)

發表發表於: 星期三 三月 23, 2005 6:14 pm    文章主題: 引言回覆

Brad, could it be that you are feeling boring or having too much time? Rolling Eyes
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Remember when we die, we leave all the material things behind.
The only thing we take with us are the good experiences in life! (Gary Silva)
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